She belongs March 20, 2010
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The soft glow of the evening lamp
Caressing her lovely face like a charm
Like an angel lost in thought
The sight brings a smile to my soul
The look in her eyes tells me a story
Of a mind that ponders in deep intent
An intent to possess, an intent to let go
Her tussle she tries to throw away in vain
With pursed lips she looks on
She creates a world of hope and joy
Betraying her fear with a cheerful smile
A warrior of joy, she would never say die
Her heart warms up with the thought of a love
A love once lost, a love yet to gain
The bittersweet look comes back to adorn
That beautiful face, she yearns to belong
For You September 8, 2009
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There she looks out of the window
Her face reflects the sun
The smile that gives her heart away
Lest she dies of pretense
A maker of love she is
A lady who’s just begun
Life in a way she’s yet to figure
Out of her own desire
Cunning are her innocent ways
Her cunning is but a guise
A curtain that drapes the beauty within
The tender touches of love without time
Her sight from afar
Is a treat of delight
As she comes near
Oh my, isn’t she dear?
The magic of her eyes behold
Visions of a nature sublime
Dreams of a world without crime
The struggle of her heart to set free
From the maddening hypocrisy
Her smile begins to wither
Only for a while I hope
She sets her lips firm and sets out on her path
She loves her freedom and
Will not soon come apart
She’s a lady benign
She’s a girl full of charm
Bring her a basket of flowers sincere
She’ll thank you with her thrill and a cheer
What else can be said, words are but cheap
To convey such prettiness to the brim
My love, you are, I long to say
My love, you are, I cannot but say
Distant soul within September 8, 2009
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A moment of inaction
A lifetime of regret
A lifetime of inaction
Wondering what to regret
The pain subsides when I covet no hope
With hope is born the pang of a heart
My soul resides in an empty space
That space I yearn for, only to regret
Not having found that space to be
In peace with myself
Not minding the time that passes me by
I crave for that solitude my company begets
I train for tragedy when I find love
My brain melts at my heart’s desire
I wonder why my life’s not on fire
I want to believe when they say
That God is in me and that
I am in God
But who is this God for whom I lust
Who is this God of my pursuit vain?
What for is this struggle within?
Consume me and take me whole
Take my name and return my soul
The grandiosity of my pride
Has given way to a meeker stride
My tyranny of love was nothing but guile
My demons tumble out, I now long
To belong and not to defile
I want an answer
Still searching for the question
The emptiness in my heart I cannot fathom
Is happiness really the point? Or is it peace?
I seek joy in moments of quiet bliss
I learn to let go in order to ‘live’
Look at the leaves
Smile at the sight
Tell me when I’m wrong
I would like to be alright
For I’ve pretended far too long
Cared for all that mattered not at all
I sinned against myself and that distant soul within
I made me wait, I resisted the fight
Cannot take it anymore my friend
Want to go out, want to be well
Help me shrug the apathy away
Help me on my feet again
And I will come your way sometime
To share a moment of gratitude
And make us a time to feel the love
Of nature and its fruits of life
Twill be the gift of my soul
To be with you and be part of your song
Oh my God! I’m not perfect! September 15, 2008
Posted by iancastelino in grandiosity, idealism, perfectionism, vanity.add a comment
I always thought that if something cannot be done right or amazingly well, then it would not be much of a point in doing it. Little did I know this was nothing but an ego feeding trip of mine on which I fed for years before I came to a point of reckoning that would smash this glass of idealism to pieces and set me on a journey of keeping it simple.
I denied myself many joys in life because of the very fear that I might not be able to do something right. And the track record of my consistency in following up something through till the end was also not too encouraging in this direction. I reeked of that fear of failure which inhabits all of us at umpteen points in our lives but then affects some of us in more severe ways than others. It cripples. And it is what threw me into a hapless world of constructing castles in the sky, mansions of grandeur for me to live in and enjoy the bliss of my perfect self, far far from the maddening crowd of insipid, mediocre folks that I had to put up with everyday. I sometimes convinced myself that after all the effort of doing good and releasing my creative gifts for their happy consumption, it would go unnoticed and I would be alone at the end of the day, bemoaning my existence and the absence of my rightful due. What would I do then? Where would I go? What would I have to do to get my share of the moon and yet not see the dark side of it?
Prideful idealism. Vanity was my monarch. But I concealed that fact from the very same people I despised. I smiled at them, and then cursed them. I dreamt. Of getting there one day and showing all these morons what I was capable of. And then they would know my worth. Then they would bow down and say ‘Hey it was the same guy! Wow! Never knew he was made of such stuff!’ I craved for that attention. I loved the absence of it so that I could curse their existence instead of mine. I drank this poison for years. And for years I remained sick with this venom inside of me. Until I finally had to pay heed to a voice inside of me that was always there, yet remained undercover. When I hit that bottom most pit of despair that only the fall after pride can bring. Along with the vengeance of my own sins of neglect and self pity.
This time I listened. I had but little choice. “You become what you do to yourself. And if you are nothing, it’s because you have done just that”, the voice bellowed. I cried. The pretentious strings of sentimentalism were tugging hard at my heart to come home to my negative self. I was caught between the truth of the matter and self deceit. They were riveted on either side of my heart, screaming and threatening to tear it apart. I panicked. But as I will always remember for the rest of my life, all I had to do was take that first step. The rest would follow. And so I stepped out. Out of that sick dark house of my vain grandiosity. Out of the despair reserved for the ill of heart and mind. Whose spirit seeks deep within for the unkindness of oneself and then turns it inside out. But I no longer live there. I have changed house long since. I dwell in a bright house of cheerful acceptance. I see the blend of those sour imperfections mixed in the purity of my spirit. And I smile a weak smile. “It will go”, says my God. “But today you will live. And you will happily give. Give of yourself that I have given you. Not to garner for yourself what was not meant for you to hoard for yourself. It needs sunshine just as it needs the rain. Your day will come. In My own good time. But today you will live. You will not fool yourself about your values. And you shall not attempt to exalt yourself to My place. Lest you wish to go back whence you did come. I shall not stop you. But I will continue to love you till the end.” The acceptance came with time. And it came to stay.
Today I will do the little things that make up the whole. I will turn each page to finish reading the book. I will learn each letter to know the alphabet. I will believe a little each day to comprehend faith. I will wait a little each day to become patient. And I will write each word to complete this first step of learning how to write. May God bless you and my imperfect self too.
Love Yourself January 3, 2007
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My attempt to write. Let’s try…
It shouldn’t be that tough. It’s a way of expressing yourself after all. All of us express ourselves in strange but natural ways.
What is strange? Why do we allow others to define it for us? What is there in this world that seems strange if it is true? If it is true but strange it just means that we haven’t been in it or around it long enough, hence the feeling. That is why you should never make an assumption or belittle someone saying he is strange. One of my friends used to say ‘everyone is someone else’s weirdo’. No matter what you do, there will be people who cannot accept the fucked up existence of someone else. It’s their sad story, don’t make it yours. Unless you want to be a pseudo like them.
What do you want to do? What do you really want to do? I was in discussion with a friend of mine the other day and we were talking about the kid in each one of us who is desperate and tortured day after day because that kid is being denied beyond acceptance levels. Look at a kid. What do you see? Innocence? Freedom? Oblivion? Silly? Sweet? Magic? If you ask me they are the only ones who see the world the way it’s supposed to be. Before that innocence is… not killed, I would say, but choked and ordered to stay indoors till he is called for. Sometimes we call that kid back, sometimes we forget his existence. But he is waiting for u, for me, for each one of us. After all there is a kid in each one of us. We can do magic. Yes, I believe in that. I’m just a fool to continue living like this just because the circumstance put me in it. I have been doing that for too long. School, study well, good marks, good college, placement, climb up the ladder, better job, MONEY…yeah that’s the point.
Tell me one thing sincerely, did you ever plan out any one of the steps I mentioned above or you just went along the way adjusting to what came your way rather making the way for yourself. Do you really love yourself? Honest question. If you loved somebody would you allow someone to do wrong to him or her. Do you feel you are doing the right thing? If you said yes to the first question and yes to the second, stop bluffing yourself and say no to one of them. You can never do what you feel is wrong if you love yourself. Again that is relative. One person is another person weirdo. You define what you like. Like a kid laughs at a joke or a joker. Do you see how people react to kids? They envy them, sometimes they even come to that level and never repent it.
in the bible it is written ‘u cannot enter the kingdom of heaven until you are born again’ . Another ‘blessed are the children, the kingdom of heaven is theirs’.
Ok I digress…
We indulge in substances. Sometimes we use it, and many times we abuse it. you should know how much your body can take. Your mind might be ready which is what readies your body for it. See a person under influence; we say he is not being himself. He is drunk, don’t talk to him now. He doesn’t know what he is saying. Yes, his level of consciousness is not the same or apparently not the same? What do you know? Have you spoken to him? It is the same person, same story, different expression. The substance you have consumed does not create words in your mouth, it does not give you that voice to sing, it does not give you the thoughts you think. They were always there, so why does one apologize for saying something when he or she was drunk or under influence. shit happens I agree….learn to clean it up, so that you can shit all over again 
….but seriously would you continue shitting in the same place if you never cleaned it? Okay I’ll digress again. I know its gross…
I read this ‘the road of excessive indulgence is the path to wisdom’. True? I don’t know. But I don’t agree. Wisdom lies in your ability to free your mind without the influence. But we are so constrained and restrained by ourselves that we never let that bird to fly free. We are supposed to be mature, grown up, decent…nice but at what cost? Is it worth the cost? Is it worth living that way? Substances help you to free those chains and fetters tied to your feet and let you fly again. And explore those boundaries in your brain you never knew existed. Every substance induces a different chemical in your brain. This is why each one is a different trip. You should know what you really want to take, its not that you will relate to any substance as long as it is substance. You need to know what it does to your mind and your body. Foolishness and ignorance is not cool when you are ruining yourself. Know what you can take and know how to give it back. It is synergy after all. You cannot come without taking, you cannot go without giving. I believe in this. I have fooled myself enough. One of these days I am going to run away. I will come back of course. But I will bring something back for each and every one of us. I will bring your children back. I will awaken that kid in each one of u. I will be the piper till you become one yourself. And then we will have a harmony of mad pipers reveling in the glory that is called life. Life is to be lived after all and for me music is life. I want to live it. Music is another way you want to express yourself, the same way I’m trying to thru this medium. It’s not the medium but the message that matters, right? It’s obvious so it’s a stupid question from my side.
another quote from a person who understood it ‘be thee drunk in wine, love or virtue, but be thee drunken always’ could be anything that gets you high, but be thee drunken always, in wine, love or virtue. I’m trying to tell you that everything we want to do in life stems from a desire that makes you high. Happiness is a high, achievement is a high, thrill, extreme pleasures of body and mind, work is a high. Yes, my friends, work is a high. This is coming from a person who has abused his freedom and neglected his work to unfair levels. I feel guilty, but I deserve the guilt so I deserve no pity.
Spare the crap. But work is a high. When you come home at the end of the day and you know you have done something worth your potential and you have achieved what you could, you are a happy man. You are high even before you take that first sip. You are drunk with the sense of fulfilment. And then you start dreaming again. A man who does not dream is a dead man. Because he has no reason to live, he has no reason to look for tomorrow, he has no hope that tomorrow might be a better day, he does not care if today is better than yesterday, because he has no dream. Dream, my friends. And be happy living those dreams. Do not stop until you achieve the dream and start dreaming again. It’s how badly you want it. Rome was not built in a day. The best way to eat an elephant is to take one bite at a time. No problem is insurmountable. No obstacle permanent. No impossibility impossible. Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened to u…bible again. Surprising that I remember so much when I haven’t been living a religious life for the past god knows maybe 7 yrs now. Yes god knows, because somewhere in the corner of my heart I still believe that a god does exist. Someone who will take care of us and not let this be a mere waste of time, life and abundance of love. Love. Simple word. Probably one of the easiest four letter words. Try loving. Once. Just once. In totality. Love yourself . If you don’t love yourself you cannot love anyone else. Period.
Life depends on the liver, I mean the person living, and not your liver you fool 
though it does make sense if you are an alcoholic. Bitter joke but true.
I want to sing, I want to go on a trip that never ends. I want to keep moving. I want to get my highs. Get back what I myself threw away. Have you seen my kid anywhere? I know you are smiling rite now……keep smiling, you look better that way. Way to go. Spread happiness, love. When you get pissed with someone in the office, in traffic, in the hospital, at home, before blowing out, just ask one simple question, does it really matter if I screw this guys happiness. Is it worth so much of effort? If it is, go ahead and screw his happiness. sometimes people need a piece of sensible mind to be given to them, but if you feel you are going to get a no as an answer to the preceding question, chuck it man. Be happy and make him also happy instead. If you don’t know what to say, just smile. He’s just another human being like you after all. He likes to go out and have a nice time with his friends. He wants to get ahead in life. He also gets the same hunger you feel and the orgasm you go through. Learn to love without a reason; learn to love without a purpose, without expecting that person to love you back. And love in a way that you learn to let go. You can never truly love if you cannot let go, when you truly love there is no room for possessiveness. It just happens and you feel free. The world looks beautiful once again. Life is as simple as you want it to be, as complex as you make it out to be. Life is beautiful.
And my fellow beings, if you think I’m high when I’m writing all this, I don’t care, because even if I were high I would have written the same thing. I am making those ends meet now. I’m learning how to set myself free, the high goes but the feeling never does, the learning never does. It remains with u. it permanently alters the circuits in your brain to look at life the way you always wanted to. I will come back or in terminator style ‘I will be back’ and that will mark the end of this beginning. It is going to be a long journey. You can join in if you wish.
Goodbye and God bless.
Swearing in Ceremony June 17, 2006
Posted by iancastelino in initiation.2 comments
Aahhh geez… What ten men could not achieve is done in one bout of boredom. Referring to the repeated attempts of some my friends to convince me to start a blog (2 men x 5 attempts each = 10 men). Aarrgh… what the hell? ‘Tis all about venting out anyway and ranting is my hobby. So the scraps of the day are going to be fed into this little watering hole for all you miserable people who are caught unawares.
So here I solemnly swear by the gut of the chicken i just fed myself with, that i will honestly and sincerely (what’s the difference?) jam in so much of nonsense into each post, that I myself will feel nauseated on reading it the second time, if at all. I also take an oath to use this medium for screwing up every *mf* who comes in the way of national progress, good meat, beer and free porn. Apart from that, I have absolutely no clue as to what I can achieve in this forum. Yeah, there will be the usual intellectual masturbation, but as all forms of self fulfilled pleasures, it will be short lived and will keep coming and going. Don’t pay any particular attention to it. May God save us all (all? except those *mfs* of course)!!
Aahhh… So there we are with a perfectly good waste of time. My first blahg. blahg blahg blahg… I am running away… Waat naansense?!
